Covertly Toxic: Jim and Pam

Before I started writing this piece, I had to take a moment to myself. What's going to happen to me once people find out that I think that one of the most beloved couples in the history of American television is--dun dun dun--toxic. "How many romantic dreams will I be breaking today?" I wondered. "How many fantasies will I be shattering?" I mean, it's not like I am some expert in matters of the heart anyways, so should I dare?

Thankfully, in spite of these reservations, I finally decided to write down my thoughts on Jim and Pam, the poster children of a "normal love story,"  the down-to-Earth people with the most heartwarming grand gestures, the heart of The Office. 

The truth is that there is a ton I love about this couple. I love how their relationship is based, first and foremost, on friendship (or at least that's what I thought in the beginning). I love their shared sense of humor, their ability to take pleasure in the little things, their general good-naturedness. I understand why millions of people have watched and re-watched the highlights of their relationship on Youtube, and why people cheer for this couple which seems to have so much magic in the confines of their unremarkable lives in Scranton, Pennsylvania. After all, who doesn't want a teapot full of memories and a heartfelt letter in the age of texts and Snapchats? It is a heartwarming love story that seems at once fantastical and approachable, set in a familiar environment and validating the lives of those who have felt genuine love and affection even if it wasn't in Paris, Milan, or whatever is the romantic destination people care about these days.

And then the later seasons happened.

From what I understand, for most of the audience, the show ended with the exit of Michael Scott, and for good reason. After he left, the show went from being a relatable mockumentary to a run-of-the-mill sitcom where characters (especially the secondary characters) increasingly act immature and senseless just for the sake of getting some laughs in a manner that is completely different from how they were portrayed before. Kevin goes from being the secret mastermind to the office dumb-dumb. Meredith goes from being the struggling single mother to the slutty weirdo. Oscar completely abandons his ability to call people out on their indiscretions (and yes, I loved how a gay man got this part on the show) to one leg of a bizarre love triangle (although I did like how he supports Angela and her son in the end). Jim and Pam, for their part, lose their spark. Suddenly, they're fighting all the time or avoiding fights that are threatening to break out from under a flimsy surface. It's clear that they have differences that somehow went unexplored before despite the warm friendship the couple shared before marriage. This is not the couple we fell in love with, the audience thinks. What's wrong? Where did our Jim and Pam go?

Here's the answer: they went nowhere. This is Jim and Pam once the love story is over and the life story has begun. They are no longer the shy receptionist and salesmen secretly harboring feelings for each other from across the corridor. They aren't the leads in a romantic proposal outside of a convenience store. They're not having their "own wedding" at the Niagara falls before their social wedding at the church, with Jim proclaiming how he wanted to marry her the day he met her. As a cherry on top, it is revealed that their exes went on to find both personal and professional growth and happiness once they were freed from partners who were secretly madly in love with other people. This is not the writers doing a poor job of writing even though that's what happened with the other characters. This is the writers braving a deeper look at what happens when after the "cute" love story between two people who 1) are non-confrontational to a fault, 2) somewhat scared of inevitable growth, and 3) (and this is logistical) when you actually think about it, didn't really get to know each other as partners for very long before they had their adorably romantic wedding.

The truth is, both Jim and Pam are frustratingly flawed characters. Jim loves Pam, but he does so to the point where he is almost afraid of her. He cannot imagine what would happen if he pointed out her insecurities and irrational behavior. To him, she is the dream woman he shared all those quirkily adorably moments with. I mean, how could he ever recreate those magic moments with someone else? This is not to mention that she is also the mother of his children, and as much as we try to trivialize breakups and divorce, the truth remains that most people share a deep bond with the people they share children with, bonds that are too difficult to break for casual judgement from "progressive" and "free-spirited" college students (no, I'm not advocating for staying in unhappy marriages; I'm just pointing out why some people can't leave as easily as other people think they should). Pam, on the other hand, is lovely and gentle and beautiful, but insecure and cowardly on the inside. She needs to be the person Jim is constantly chasing and proposing to and making grand gestures to, and when that doesn't happen, her very identity is threatened. Some people have told me that they find Pam to be a hypocrite because she is so happy when Jim buys a house without consulting her but then completely falls apart when Jim undergoes a career-change without consulting her. Honestly, I think it goes deeper than that: I think she is used to being the center of Jim's story, and when that doesn't happen, she simply cannot accept it and in her insecurity is willing to watch Jim slave away as a salesman at the corporate hell that is Dunder-Mifflin even though he has both the ability and the opportunity to make a more meaningful life for himself at the cost of disturbance to his wife and kids that go no deeper than a simple move from one suburb to another. 

Me pointing out that Jim and Pam are flawed is not a criticism. Most people are frustratingly flawed because, well, nobody is perfect and nobody's idea of "perfect" is perfect for everybody. It is also important to point out that we have culturally normalized the narrative of the man being smitten with the woman, initiating the first date, proposing, making grand declarations, and the woman being the recipient of such romantic grandeur. I mean, be honest with yourself and tell me when was the last time one of your female friends proposed to her boyfriend? And if she did, when was the last time a man actually accepted the proposal and showed off his ring (while pretending to not be that excited about it because aren't we all such social media liars)?  Jim and Pam are merely enacting the new cultural standard. Its not a cultural standard based on duty and sacrifice and acceptance, which was more aspirational in the past and problematic in its own way. It's the cultural standard where the love story is more important than the life story, and where people would go to great lengths to preserve the idea of their specific romance rather than embracing growth and change. Add to this the pressure of maintaining an image to outsiders, and not being able to share your personal life with others in fear of judgement. And honestly, I don't judge that fear, because these days nobody really helps anybody in this arena and people just say "well, if you're not happy (every moment of every day for the rest of your life), just leave! You deserve better! You can do better! Your partner doesn't deserve you! Blah blah blah!"

So here's my thesis: Jim and Pam are not the ideal couple, nor are they a toxic couple (like my clickbait-y title says). They're simple two flawed individuals who got together and had the privilege of making some memorable moments along the way that they can proubly talk about at parties. I have no doubt the love each other and, at the end of the day, want what's best for each other, but what we see in the latter seasons of the show is simply them coming to terms with that with there still being a long way to go (Pam, please don't sell your next house without speaking to your husband first. Please. Haven't you learnt that life is about more than grand gestures and pleasant surprises? Just freaking communicate! Just say, "Hey, I am willing to support you in the next stage of your career now; how do you want to proceed?" See? Not that hard.) Even though many people think that the story show should have ended with Jim and Pam getting married, I actually support the writers' choice to go farther than that. After all, aren't most of all guilty of wanting love stories too? And aren't most of us honestly clueless about what happens after?