Growing Up- 2
Boys. The word is relevant in every teenaged girl's life, whether she admits it or not. No matter how mature I pretend to be, if I'm being completely honest, I have had my moments too. The whole weak in the knees, butterflies in the stomach feeling isn't something I'm unfamiliar with. So today, I am letting you into my secret closet full of crushes and first loves. Yes, first loves is a plural.
My first crush was Shah Rukh Khan after 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge' came out. I don't really know what happened to me, but for all I understood as someone who was practically a toddler, I was in love. I didn't care he was married to a woman named Gauri. I didn't care I was his daughter's age. I just kept expressing my wish to marry Shah Rukh Khan. It's embarrassing now, but it was funny back then. People kept teasing me. They probably thought it was cute for a baby to want something so... grown up. Even today, Shah Rukh Khan is my favorite actor in the whole world.
Then came my first real crush when I was in pre-school. It was a boy in my class. I hadn't even learnt the alphabet, but something about playing in the sand pit with him melted away my heart. I knew he was the one. So, I asked him, "Will you marry me?" He said, "I'll ask my mom". The following day, he informed me his mother was against our matrimonial union and that was the end of the youngest love story of all time. What a tragedy! I don't even remember all this, but my parents do, and they keep reminding me of it every chance they get. If I saw that boy today, I wouldn't recognize him, but I know he was my first real live love.
Then came a string of crushes that last about a week. Every time, I thought I was in love and every time I fell out of love as easily as spitting out chewing gum. I used to be a tall kid, so the problem for most of them was that the guy would come up to my shoulder. Girl kids are mostly taller than boy kids as boys have their growth spurts much later. This simple truth of nature made it hard for me to be attracted to any boy for a long time because eventually, I would just start thinking of him as... short. I know that's shallow of me, but I had just started growing out of my baby phase and I was still allowed to think love was all about having a 'happily ever after' with a prince. I now understand how stupid I was back then.
A few bad experiences also made their way into my life. First was a senior boy who had a weird thing for me. I was in eighth, he in twelfth. Can I call him a pedophile? Okay, maybe that's too extreme. But I didn't enjoy his attention. I had no interest in him. His friends kept making cheapo comments about me and I wasn't yet ready to deal with senior students. I was scared of the school bus because that's when I saw him. When I tried to tell my friends about this, they thought I was just trying to get attention. Having a senior guy crushing on you is quite cool, I discovered. They thought I was making up a story to look like the cool girl.
Then came the new boy who joined school and totally had a crush on me. He would go to all lengths just to sit next to me. That was all very flattering because I was not and still am not the girl guys want to be with, and having a marginally good-looking guy expressing interest in me was new and interesting and fun even though I never dared to admit it. But the flattery faded away the day he stopped liking me and fell for my friend.
Amidst all this, did I fall in love even once? At one point, I thought I did. I really cared about one particular guy and always wanted what was best for him. But he was still a child. He didn't deserve my care. I tried to be a good influence on him, but he didn't want to be as good as I thought he could be. Perhaps, I too wasn't ready for any relationship whatsoever. So, it was time for me to move on. I can be all feminist and say it was easy, but it was hard as hell. I couldn't focus on studies, I slept all day and the amount of energy that went into pretending I was happy was enough to power five cities. But I am the bright girl. I should be more than just the girl who fell for a guy and lost her prospects in the process.
I must say that nobody is allowed to judge me for being attracted to guys. The independent girl is always shown to be the one who doesn't care about guys and 'focuses on her future'. I didn't fulfill both criteria. But I don't invite any judgement. I went through what most girls my age go through and I am not ashamed of that. I am not proud of a lot of things, but I am of some things. I am proud I never changed myself to become what any guy would want me to be like. I never tried to be the stereotypical It-Girl every guy chases after. I am proud I always placed my family and the people who really love me over some boy who probably didn't even care about me. I never lied to my parents or did anything wrong because of a stupid crush. I am proud I didn't become one of those girls who giggle around boys and are okay with being sidekicks to them. So, I forgive myself for my marquee of silly crushes. It's not always about getting it right. It's about not letting your infatuations overpower you and learning to do that is a part of growing up.
My first crush was Shah Rukh Khan after 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge' came out. I don't really know what happened to me, but for all I understood as someone who was practically a toddler, I was in love. I didn't care he was married to a woman named Gauri. I didn't care I was his daughter's age. I just kept expressing my wish to marry Shah Rukh Khan. It's embarrassing now, but it was funny back then. People kept teasing me. They probably thought it was cute for a baby to want something so... grown up. Even today, Shah Rukh Khan is my favorite actor in the whole world.
Then came my first real crush when I was in pre-school. It was a boy in my class. I hadn't even learnt the alphabet, but something about playing in the sand pit with him melted away my heart. I knew he was the one. So, I asked him, "Will you marry me?" He said, "I'll ask my mom". The following day, he informed me his mother was against our matrimonial union and that was the end of the youngest love story of all time. What a tragedy! I don't even remember all this, but my parents do, and they keep reminding me of it every chance they get. If I saw that boy today, I wouldn't recognize him, but I know he was my first real live love.
Then came a string of crushes that last about a week. Every time, I thought I was in love and every time I fell out of love as easily as spitting out chewing gum. I used to be a tall kid, so the problem for most of them was that the guy would come up to my shoulder. Girl kids are mostly taller than boy kids as boys have their growth spurts much later. This simple truth of nature made it hard for me to be attracted to any boy for a long time because eventually, I would just start thinking of him as... short. I know that's shallow of me, but I had just started growing out of my baby phase and I was still allowed to think love was all about having a 'happily ever after' with a prince. I now understand how stupid I was back then.
A few bad experiences also made their way into my life. First was a senior boy who had a weird thing for me. I was in eighth, he in twelfth. Can I call him a pedophile? Okay, maybe that's too extreme. But I didn't enjoy his attention. I had no interest in him. His friends kept making cheapo comments about me and I wasn't yet ready to deal with senior students. I was scared of the school bus because that's when I saw him. When I tried to tell my friends about this, they thought I was just trying to get attention. Having a senior guy crushing on you is quite cool, I discovered. They thought I was making up a story to look like the cool girl.
Then came the new boy who joined school and totally had a crush on me. He would go to all lengths just to sit next to me. That was all very flattering because I was not and still am not the girl guys want to be with, and having a marginally good-looking guy expressing interest in me was new and interesting and fun even though I never dared to admit it. But the flattery faded away the day he stopped liking me and fell for my friend.
Amidst all this, did I fall in love even once? At one point, I thought I did. I really cared about one particular guy and always wanted what was best for him. But he was still a child. He didn't deserve my care. I tried to be a good influence on him, but he didn't want to be as good as I thought he could be. Perhaps, I too wasn't ready for any relationship whatsoever. So, it was time for me to move on. I can be all feminist and say it was easy, but it was hard as hell. I couldn't focus on studies, I slept all day and the amount of energy that went into pretending I was happy was enough to power five cities. But I am the bright girl. I should be more than just the girl who fell for a guy and lost her prospects in the process.
I must say that nobody is allowed to judge me for being attracted to guys. The independent girl is always shown to be the one who doesn't care about guys and 'focuses on her future'. I didn't fulfill both criteria. But I don't invite any judgement. I went through what most girls my age go through and I am not ashamed of that. I am not proud of a lot of things, but I am of some things. I am proud I never changed myself to become what any guy would want me to be like. I never tried to be the stereotypical It-Girl every guy chases after. I am proud I always placed my family and the people who really love me over some boy who probably didn't even care about me. I never lied to my parents or did anything wrong because of a stupid crush. I am proud I didn't become one of those girls who giggle around boys and are okay with being sidekicks to them. So, I forgive myself for my marquee of silly crushes. It's not always about getting it right. It's about not letting your infatuations overpower you and learning to do that is a part of growing up.
I was proposed to in kindergarten. LOL. I remember my first "boyfriend" in fifth grade. We never went anywhere together except for class but we talked on the phone. I'd say real boyfriends waited until high school for me.
ReplyDeleteYeah Kelly, they waited until high school for me also. More appropriately 12th grade. I was a late blooming nerd-and I'm still proud of it! LOL Great post!
ReplyDelete